Father, I have Sinned
by R.G. Waffles
Summary: One-shot - This is why you should never burn paper cranes.


**Disclaimer:** If I owned Naruto . . . certainly I wouldn't be living a life where I have to upload stories onto the internet.

**Author's Note:** I've had this thing in my documents for a while and just recently noticed it.

I'm sorry that I've been off of fanfiction for a while. Exams are officially over now, so I should be back in my writing mood.

Everyone, please be patient. I need to edit my (finished) Kingdom Hearts story, so expect me to put it up soon. I am also working on a Naruto story in the process, which will be absolutely amazing.

This? This is just a one-shot that I felt compelled to put up for two reasons: one, to celebrate the un-official last day of school and two, because my head is spinning so much it's not funny, so I'd might as well put this up here before anything happens.

…**:Father, I have Sinned:…**

**WARNING:** Unbelievably crude, dry, sarcastic humor. You have been warned.

Naruto was angry.

No, Naruto wasn't angry. He was downright infuriated.

There were, however, several types of infuriation. Scientists have been able to calculate an estimated three-hundred forty-two: infuriation because of jerks at work, because of jerks at school, because of waking up on a Saturday to find that you've woken up too early and cannot get back to sleep, or because you've missed your Saturday morning cartoons. Infuriation because you've been wrongly accused of stealing candy from a child, infuriation because your puppy dragged in your neighbor's dead cat, only to find that it was, in fact, _your_ cat, or infuriation because you've died and shortly after doing so, have realized that you've left your stove on.

Naruto's infuriation was rare.

He was infuriated because his fellow ninja has taken up the spotlight to beat enemy ninjas.

Scientists have yet to come up with a name for such a recent discovery and have classified it beneath the name: _that feeling you get when your fellow ninja has taken up the spotlight to beat enemy ninjas._

Naruto screamed; he pulled his hair, he kicked imaginary walls; he even stubbed his toes on said imaginary walls, and yet all his actions were unnecessary. The question was: who did it? The answer was simple:

Uchiha Sasuke.

Team 7 had just returned from a B-Rank mission of escorting a famous farmer (who, in Naruto's mind, wasn't famous at all because _he_ had never heard of him) to his land in the Water Village. Like with all of their escorts, enemies appeared to take him away. In _Naruto's_ point of view, this is what happened:

The enemy ninjas appeared in ugly brown dresses, ugly white masks covering their would-be ugly faces with a two-year-old's painting on them.

"Fear us, for we shall take your farmer!"

Sakura gasped in fright, inching closer to Naruto. Naruto grabbed her shoulders and did his best imitation of the Nice Guy pose.

"Don't worry, Sakura! I'll protect you!"

"My hero!" Sakura cried dramatically.

But Sasuke intervened at the last second with his _stupid_ high-pitched voice.

"I'm Sasuke and I'm _so_ stupid and I like to pick my nose in front of people and eat it. I have hair growing on my –"

Ahem.

This is what _really_ happened:

The enemy ninjas appeared in long, shaggy robes, their faces concealed beneath rare porcelain masks, covered in intricate designs. They were intimidating upon first impression. Weapons glinted from their waistbands and were slung over their backs.

"We have come for what is ours," they said, their clawed hands pointing to the farmer. "Resistance is futile." With incredible speed, they launched forwards.

Kakashi immediately sprung into action. "Sakura!" he ordered as he tried to fend off the largest ninja. "Protect Mr. Jiro! Sasuke! Behind you!"

And Naruto just stood there.

"Sensei, who are these people?" he asked, scratching his head. Sasuke managed to mortally wound one in the background and quickly moved to another; Sakura had her hands full with a pair of nunchaku flying in her direction.

In the end, the enemy ninjas fled, and those who didn't run lay defeated on the floor. Sasuke and Sakura sported a few bleeding wounds, but nothing life-threatening.

"Nice work, Sakura," Kakashi congratulated the rosette. He put one hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "I expected nothing less from you."

And then everyone turned to face Naruto.

"Next time," Kakashi advised with a sigh, "try to do something."

So now Naruto was storming to his house, the sweat vaporizing from his forehead at the heat of his anger. He wanted to hurt something. He wanted to hurt _Sasuke!_

"Do you want to hurt your friend?"

_Huh?_

That caught the blonde's attention. He took a few steps back and came across a television screen. A cheesy-looking old man was stationed in front of a large desk, his flowing beard tied in a ridiculous-looking bowtie.

"Did your friend catch all the spotlight on a recent mission?"

"Yes!" Naruto told the television eagerly. He pressed his hands and face against the cool glass window.

"Do you want an easy way to get payback?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Well here's how to do it!"

The man picked up a piece of paper in the shape of a bird. "Make a paper crane using origami. This bird is a sign of good luck. Write the name of the person you hate on it, officially giving ownership to him or her and then –"

The old man dipped the crane into a burning candle nearby and it went up in flames, being reduced to nothing but ashes.

"Burn it!" he finished, cackling madly. The television ad promptly switched to a new brand of cereal: Lucky Shuriken, but Naruto wasn't listening. He was already running at full speed back to his house.

Now, had anyone looked into the fact, they would have realized that burning a paper crane had nothing whatsoever to do with the connection to one's lifeline. There could have quite possibly been another person named Sasuke Uchiha in the world, and if the voodoo _was_, in fact, true, that unsuspecting Sasuke Uchiha would have died. Or, perhaps, had the name John Smith been written on a crane and burned, approximately four point three percent of the world's population would have disappeared.

Anyway . . .

"I'll show that Sasuke!" Naruto exclaimed maniacally beneath his breath as he burst through his front door. "Paper! Need paper!"

After searching through most of the house, he eventually found a piece of folded paper in his bathroom on the toilet roll.

"Okay, so you fold this side to this side, and this side . . ."

On his first try, Naruto got a crippled angel. On his second, he got a triangle with wings. It was only when he called Sakura to ask for help did he get it somewhat relatively close to a crane.

It was close enough.

Now it was time to find a pen and a lighter.

He found the pen in the back pocket of his boxers (he did _not_ want to know) and the lighter by his new supply of ramen. He scrawled Sasuke's name onto it in large letters, just in case.

"It's time to pay, Sasuke!" he screamed to the air, giving a maniacal cackle of laughter afterwards. "Say goodbye!"

And with that, he brought the dancing flame to the underbelly of the crane. The fire spread instantly, engulfing the unsuspecting piece of paper until it withered to black and fell to the floor. Naruto took this time to bask in his maliciousness, laughing until he entered a fit of coughs.

It was time to see the aftereffects.

Naruto skipped (yes, _skipped_), from his house all the way to the main road. Kakashi and Sakura were still where he had left them, talking about techniques and upcoming missions. Sakura turned to look at him with her Granny Smith eyes and smiled.

"You're definitely much happier than before," she said. "What did you want with that crane, by the way?"

"This guy on television said that I could channel my anger by making a crane and burning it with the person I hate written on it," explained Naruto. "So I wrote the teme's name, burned it, and now I feel great!"

Kakashi smirked beneath his mask.

"Did you know that that's a forbidden form of voodoo?" he said. "You've just jinxed Sasuke. Now something terrible is going to happen."

Sakura gasped, muttering something about assisting in the murder of her beloved. Naruto just shrugged it off.

"Yeah right," he said. "Like I'll believe that."

Kakashi gave a light shrug. "If you don't believe me, take a look at Kenji."

He jabbed his thumb in the direction of a crippled man, the lower half of his body in bandages and his face heavily scarred. He was moving by in a wheelchair.

Naruto's eyes grew wide.

"Oh my gosh! I killed Sasuke!"

And with that, he took off running to where he thought Sasuke's house was located, wanting to make sure the Uchiha was okay. He would never forgive himself if he was the cause of his death. How would he face the world?

How would he become Hokage?!

At this thought, he ran as quickly as his legs would carry him, vaulting off of the roofs and walls and the heads of oblivious citizens.

He smelled smoke.

"Dear God, don't let me be too late!" he yelled to the sky upon seeing large billows of black smoke rise into the air.

Sure enough, the house was on fire.

Flames engulfed the entire perimeter of it, making it impossible for anyone to get in . . . or out.

"Sasuke!"

The blond fell to his knees, tears cascading down his cheeks from his sapphire eyes. He punched the floor in misery, not caring if his knuckles bled, or if his bones broke.

Sasuke was dead.

"I'm so sorry," he sobbed. "I didn't mean it! I never wanted you to get hurt! You just made me so mad! I never thought it would work! I'm sorry!"

He cut himself off to break into hysterical sobbing on the cement pathway. Pedestrians threw coins at his feet before running off, feeling false pride that they helped charity.

But Naruto didn't care.

All he cared about was that he had been the cause of death to a boy he considered a friend. It was his entire fault.

At that moment, Sasuke chose to walk by, a bag of groceries in his arms, and whistling off-key to Mary Had a Little Lamb. Upon finding the sobbing blond on the concrete pathway, he stopped, turned, and raised a single, slender eyebrow.

"Dobe," he said, very calmly. "What are you doing at the demolition site?"

**--**

**House of Waffles**

Just two things:

1) Has anyone ever noticed that whenever we want something, it always shows up on a television ad that never works?

2) "Oh my gosh! I killed Sasuke!" Taken from South Park's classic "Oh my God! You killed Kenny!"


End file.
